Written Spring 2004
When I picked-up sculpting again, around 1997, it started with just trying to express the different ways of spiritual involvement.
In the year 2000, when I was 60 years old, a special friend channeled to me “Divine Mother will heal you through your sculptures” and “it is Divine Mother Herself who sculpts through your hands”.
A few months prior, the great avatar and woman-saint from Kerala, Mata Amrtanandamayi (Amma) had kissed my fingertips during darshan.
I have accepted Her as my spiritual Mother, the beautiful human manifestation of Divine Mother’s Love.
Since that special darshan I do believe that it is indeed a higher power who does the sculpting through me, showing me my lessons, my stages, and my deepest inner self, due to the fact that I rarely know in advance what will come out.
Suffering is the rejection of pain. Pain just is. Suffering is an attitude.
If we learn to embrace pain as a necessary occurrence towards growth, we will be lifted up into a higher dimension.
Pain is the separation, the letting go of the old, in order to make room for the new. Our attachments cause pain. Our fears and doubts cause pain.
On the human level it is difficult. But if we shift into Soul, or Divine nature, we see that what we thought ourselves to be attached to, is an illusion itself. That in reality we are conscious energy weaving a dream around ourselves.
Right now I am human, Conscious Energy, temporarily manifested in a human physical form.
The human in me, temporarily trapped in this world of duality, asks “Why!” But in the world of Oneness there is no “why”, There just IS. A constant movement of being, that at the same time is not moving at all. For there is no time- or space-borders. It is a constant all embracing now and here that is also always and nowhere.
(When I capitalize the word ”Beloved” I am revering to the higher essence, the Love-energy body of the person, or to the Divine itself. When not capitalized I revere to the human manifestation of the person. )
In my human dream, I experience the ecstasy of connecting and the pain of separation in very high intensity. This is part of the Divine-order. In this world of duality I have the choices of how to deal with it.
Some people choose to react to pain by hardening themselves, They might get “denser”, or if that is not their personality, they might build shields around themselves, or even “concrete walls”, becoming unreachable. Good or Bad? That is not up to us to decide. We can not comprehend the other’s totality of circumstances and capability-level of endurance.
I chose to embrace the pain, in order to learn the lessons, for which, I think, I have come into this human-experience.
I do not want to let go of my treasure and I want to keep my Love and Beloved* sacred. Consequently I also hold on to the pain of separation and rejection.
I really dived deep into the pain and suffering, Often desperation and darkness got so intense that the only way to go on was to rise above it into Soul to take a brake of it all. There were times that I became the prisoner from the pain, not anymore able to regulate the dose I could handle. Waves came over me out of seemingly nowhere, dragging me off into darkness. Then I asked Divine help, and a sankalpa (Divine intervention) was granted to me.
What was the use of going through this Hell, and keeping my Love and Beloved sacred? It deepened my level of compassion. It softened my ego-ways. And deep in me I feel this Love-treasure that got more purified from hidden ego-agendas. It grows, and the Love my beloved has been rejecting I now direct to others who ask for help, comfort or healing. And in a way it is like I still give it to my beloved, because in reality it is all One.
This purified Love is the force, by which I live and create (the sculptures). It is my Teacher and my comforter. And I thank the one who before we entered this world agreed and accepted in her compassion on top of her own tasks to play this difficult and confusing role towards me.
But it is not only pain. There were also moments of ecstatic joy when I met with her in her beautiful “energy-field”, beyond her human physical form. This beautiful “light-body” is what I saw and recognized past her physical form and what rekindled my Love for her when I met her in this life again. This energy-field is so much bigger than the part that manifests itself in her temporarily human role. It has comforted me at times when it all became too much to bear, sometimes embracing me in violet. It also helped and guided me in my early Reiki efforts. So it came to pass what was shown to me during my time in India (Jan. ’02), that she is my initiator and teacher* (Of course it is Divine Mother, teaching me through her).
Although her human manifestation is highly psychic, I am not sure how much she from her side is aware of this all. I think she has so much other emotionally draining issues going on which are much more important for her than our “relationship”, that since her mind is not focused on us, she probably doesn’t experience what I experience in this case.
One time I felt suddenly excruciating pain in the heart chakra area and cried out her name. Later on I found out that a mutual acquaintance, approaching her, had stirred the direction of the conversation towards me (as a subject), and at that exact time of my experience my dear one had gone inward focussing on me.
June 2002 I asked Sri Amrtanandamayi Ma: ”Even when we don’t hangout together, can there be Loving respect, peace and beauty between us?” on which She answered: “It is a little difficult, but you can try: Amma will do a sankalpa for it".
Still sometimes I wondered myself if something was wrong with the intensity of my Love for my friend and her Greater-Love-Energy. So June 2004 I asked Amma again if I was wrong in it. She answered emphatically, in clear English repeating: “No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Then looking me in my eyes, after which hugging me closely again, saying: “No, no, no, no, no, No!”
Why don’t I focus on Amma or Master (Yogananda) or Jesus, instead of directing so much devotion towards a common woman?
“Is the devotee who concentrates on the feet of the Divine or the Guru any less than the devotee who focuses on the face of the Divine or the Guru? Isn’t it all One and the same, all God?”
Why is it that I had to take this “detour”?
“Because on the human plane it has not been possible for you to interact that personally and lengthy with Amma as would be necessary in your case. The only exception was when She gave you your spiritual name and for a few minutes interacted with you on a more intimate personal human level, communicating verbally Her Divine Insight about you.
Divine Mother knows in your case, because of the way you are programmed in this incarnation, this has been the best way for you to grow on. And so She orchestrated this Leela.”
In the Beyond, an angel was to be sent out again into the human experience for some more painful lessons about Love and Fear in coming together and separation, and in order to grow in unconditional Love and compassion.
Yes, pain is one of the most effective teaching tools for our evolution. If it is intense enough it forces us to surge for a way out or above.
The angel had courage, but it was also full of fear for this adventure.
An other angel had already been in many former situations together with the first one, out of which had grown a bond of deep trust between them. This angel, who was soon to go back for her own lessons, came forward. And in great Love and compassion offered to add to her own tasks to be the one to administer the necessary pain. It said: “My human-form will throw the dagger into your heart, but my Love-energy will stay around you. So you can turn to it in your most desperate moments, to find the strength to go on and grow above it.”
Divine Mother’s Leela (Divine Play)
June 1999, during a retreat with Sri Amritanandamayi Ma (Amma), I was contemplating how when something is denied, the desire gets stronger. For example if I would not be allowed to receive Amma’s embracing darshan it would become surely much more important to me.
Next day during Devi Bawa, I was assigned seva at the darshan line for a halve hour, to instruct the people how to behave in front of Amma, to make it the easiest possible for Amma. After a halve hour nobody came to relieve me although my seva-time was supposed to be over. Another hour, still nobody came. I already had chronic knee and hip problems but was trying to ignore the pain bravely. Which made me “feel pretty pleased about myself”. Finally, when the darshan was almost over, somebody came to take my place and I went to sit down on a chair to relax my legs a little, planning to slip into the darshan line at the very end, so I could pamper my legs as long as possible.
When finally I went to the end of the line, I was told that I was to late.
So no darshan. And that after I had done so my best to endure the pain during the extended seva. Anoyement came to the surface in me, and it was building up to a full-blown anger. Till the point that I decided that I was going to leave and probably not even come back next year. I looked at Devi standing on the podium, after She had thrown all the flower-paddles. There She was, standing in Her yellow sari, for a last goodbye to Her devotees. And then Her eyes zapped into mine. “Ah, I am probably just imagining things”, so I turned my eyes away for a moment, and then looked again. Her gaze still there, intensely. And something happened inside me. A tremendous connecting. After the curtains closed, I felt like in ecstasy and somehow made it to my hotel-room.
In my hotel-room it still was so intense. “Oh Mother, in this way I will not be able to function when You have left! Please take it back till I can see Thee in everything!”
And so She did. But beware when you once have trusted yourself into the hands of a real Sat Guru. Not only has Amma the awareness of your every thought. She also has a Divine Playfulness and sense of humor beyond our little human world’s measure.
“I grant you something, for I know you are ready for it. But you don’t want to accept it…?
“Well, I have another way to lead you into the experience you are mend to have!”
And so She did. And I walked into it, willingly, with wide open eyes, because I saw at that point only the attractive beginning of that adventure and not the tuff lessons it was going to teach me.
Which of the two stories is the Truth? About the two Angels or about Divine Mother’s Leela?
Both are the Truth. (Remember, there is no time-frame in the beyond) It is like looking at the same story from a different angle.
Mini Autobiography (August 3 2004)
My life, till I was 60 years of age, was colorful, with a good dose of hardships, eccentricities and surprises.
It was the preparation for the main task and lessons for which I came here.
I have been gifted with many talents, but never able to bring them fully to bloom in a way that it really would contribute something special to this human world.
Also I have many traits of the Asperger’s-syndrome (high-functioning autism), and in my teenage-years the genes of bipolarity came to full expression, with the accompanying clouds of depression, alternating with peaks of creativity and exaltation. In between were also “vacations” of just going with the flow and dulled-out emotions. In those periods I felt kind of not-really-alive. Something was numbed-out in me. But those times were also necessary, to give my physical system a brake to recuperate.
My Asperger-traits made it difficult to interact socially in the right way, or to really connect with the human experience. It was like I looked-in from the outside. This all made me kind of a loner. In a way I wished to be able to participate, but didn’t know how to go about it.
During my childhood, my father, like an “ivory-tower”, was mostly in his study-room, except for Saturday-nights when he came down to play card-games and Mah Jong with my brother, my mother and me. I felt like I was a disappointment for my mother, who turned her attention away towards other, more likeable girls.
I don’t remember much guidance from my parents, about how to behave. But the complaint was that my behavior was difficult, bad, and non-attractive.
No religion was taught in the home, but when I was 8 years old I started to show an intense religious focus. Which, except for during some confusing teenage years, has stayed that way during the rest of my life.
When I was 45 years
old my depression got so intense and seemingly permanent, that I volunteered to
try medication and was temporarily hospitalized. When Medical stopped paying, I
went on, as outpatient, with the medications, until I realized, after almost a
year, that I was getting worse instead of better. The depression got deeper,
without the exalted moments, also my brain seemed less and less functional in a
useful way. So I decided that medication was not the road for me. Then slowly I
kicked myself off, against the strong advice of the
Taking the responsibility in my own hands I started to try to exercise my weakened willpower to find every day one little thing that was not absolutely, completely negative. Slowly I got a little stronger in it and somehow able to function better again, but also back in the old bipolar-situation.
I had acquaintances but no real friendship relations. Yes there were a few people who offered their friendship, but I did not really know how to react on those friendships. Sometimes I over-reacted, going out of my way to accommodate them, or other times I under-reacted by keeping inside my shell.
By this time I had two failed or failing marriages, two successful children and one child heavily in addictions. The last marriage had shutdown my highly spiritual creative capabilities. Also I had lost my capability to withdraw into meditation. But since spirituality, the connection with the Divine, still as always, was very important to me. I switched over to deeply practicing Karma- and Yapa-yoga, which helped me survive. Still there was no “Joi-de-vivre”, and no appreciation for being in this world. Only an intense longing for closeness with the Divine. I would not want to hurt my children, but I wished to quit this human manifestation. I felt this being-on-earth as an exile.
I experience all this as a build-up of the décor for the act for which I really had come into this human manifestation.
Then, when I was 60 years old, I met the person who would become the main “teacher” in my life. It was from my side like recognition, a miracle to happen, for which I had waited and longed for all these years. In the about ten months of intoxication, she opened up doors to wider horizons and growth *. Never in my whole lifetime had I felt such intensity. Sharing with her was such a joy for me. I didn’t pay much attention to what my human eyes saw. For beyond her temporarily human manifestation, I saw what I called at that time, her Light-body, which was so beautiful. I felt like I had known her for many existences in whatever dimension. A “sister” I finally had found again. (I think Divine Mother had really sugared it up to make me fall for it! Like how strongly I experienced Divine Mother’s presence when I was with this person. Sometimes I even smelled the fragrance that is around Amma)
In our human roles there were great differences and misunderstandings, which build up to a final explosion. From her side, she closed herself off from me. From my side, I kept on loving-her with the same or even more intensity, embracing the dagger she had thrust in my heart.
For I accepted, consciously, the accompanying pain also as a teacher to grow on.
The combination of intense Love and intense Pain carved out in my heart the capability towards much higher and deeper feelings of compassion in general.
Also the pain of rejection and separation from what is so dear to me, at times when it became too intense to bear, forced me to rise above the human level into Soul, teaching me to shift more and more easily, to become the observer of it all.
And this intense Love connected me with my own Angels and it helped to reclaim my own “Angel-hood”.
*(I see a child longing for flowers,
and a Greater Love-energy having in her hands little “crumbs” that, via her human manifestation, she places one by one in different spots.
And way after her human presence is gone, something happens on those spots. Something develops, and one by one flowers come into being.)
Why do I revere to my self often as a child? Because I feel that in some aspects Autistic people, even the high-functioning ones, stay being a child in this world, their whole life.
No truth that I happen to speak or write is my own. It is no more than a moment of connecting with the Whole, which happens to make it flow through me.
I am like a pencil in the hands of the Divine. Whatever the Divine does with it is His (or Her) creation. So neither the honor nor the blame is mine.
I am allowed to enjoy what flows through me. But sometimes it can make me sad too when in my limited vision I am not able to see it all, and I am focused on the temporary state.
All what is asked of me is just to be a willing instrument.
Neither am I responsible for what feels like blundering. If those of the world want to laugh about the pencil because the outflow seems silly, or when they ridicule it because it seems stupid, or want to discharge of the pencil because they don’t like the drawings (in their ignorance), It doesn’t matter.
All that matters is just to be, in the unruffled attitude of “Yes” (Love).
(On page 169 of Emmanuel III is suggested to write what we would like our Angel to write to us.)
My Dear One, for me you are special. The one who is my special own.
It is I who caresses your face when you look in the mirror. It is I who comfortingly holds your heart-chakra when it is in pain. It is I who filled with Love, blessingly watches you while you are trying so hard to make this life work, watching you stumble and getting up again.
I am always with you, even when you have forgotten my presence. I never judge you, because I know your intentions and the Beauty from-out of which you try to act. When the world has hurt you or disappointed you, I am always there to take you in my arms and hold you till the pain has softened away. I am that mother you never really had. I am that friend you never really had. The one big friendship you thought was there and could not last when you didn’t behave according to her standards…? My friendship is permanent, never deserting, never judging, and never using you just for my own satisfaction. Your interests are my interests. Your happiness is my joy. Your progress is my satisfaction.
Emmanuel, I want to be that Angel instead of only that limited little human!
I want to be an Angel, and give that angel-love to my beloved and all…”
All Sculptures explained